I know you have dreams and aspirations of living up to your potential of being a beautiful place of comfort. I feel like I have failed you by not helping you reach your goals. I leave you naked! How dare me? I really do have a good excuse though. I beg of you to please just lend me your ear for a moment.
You see, I love my dogs and you know them well since they send a lot of time on you. They're furry little creatures aren't they? I made you plush leather when I brought you home, many years ago, because I could just give you a little brush and knock the dog evidence right off of you. But, Couch, I did not anticipate this...
The invasion of the lickers.
That's right, as you know, they lick you to death! Do you think it's as gross as I do? Honestly, it drives me bonkers. I've tried to put pretty pillows on you and an occasional throw, but those crazy tongues just have a way of making them crunchy and disgusting. Can you imagine my embarrassment when friends come over to sit on you and go to lean against a pillow that makes a very unnatural sound? So, dear Couch, this is why I leave you bare. It's not that you don't have potential. I really could give you some pretty new accessories, but as long as my 4-legged friends are around, this is the way it has to be. When the time comes for us to part ways, I hope your new owner can treat you the way you deserve!
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